This morning I received an e-mail from my bossfriend informing me that the work that I recently submitted has been well received. This proved to be quite a relief, given that the way my mind has been dealing with unknowns recently has not been unlike the way a dandelion deals with being on the receiving end of a plane crash.

    It’s really difficult for me to try to distill something coherent into a blog entry. My mind’s kind of all over the place—not that that is unusual or anything... luckily, I get to use my dictation software to do blog entries these days. That makes a big difference, as when I am left to type entries, my slowpoke and mad, mistake-prone skills slow me down so much that there is almost no point in trying, as my mind races around so much that there is little chance of capturing a thought. Though I enjoy writing, it is (like most everything I produce) very slow going.

    Anyway --

    Suffice it to say, I have been on the crazy choo-choo for a while now. There are three main elements to this: the first being the incredible amount of uncertainty in regards to my future. There are so many what-ifs right now:

1. •When might I be leaving for Africa?
   

2. •How will my relationship fare with all of my impending absences?
   

3. •How will my li’l cute pooch deal with my impending absences, and who will his foster parents be?
   

4. •How will my crazy-ass brain deal with the shift in circumstances? (A.k.a. Will I be able to keep my shit together?)
   

5. •Will I be able to rise to the occasion and produce the quality of work that I know I’m capable of?
   

6. •This job is requiring me to produce material that in the past I have hit seemingly immovable psychological blocks with. Will I be able to power through them?
   

7. •How will I adapt to a new culture and language?
   

   

    This is just a tiny bit of the crazy race track that I have recently (as in the last three months) been incessantly racing around on—though it doesn’t really do it justice, because portraying it like this is something like a trickle, rather than the firehose of insanity that it can be. Plus—it doesn’t even begin to address the torrent of self-critical/destructive thought and imagery that has been recently unleashed. I have been trying to identify what the origin of a lot of that is, and while on the surface it is tied to the level of uncertainty, there is clearly a lot of stuff underneath that has been following me around for my entire life—the product of generational echoes of bad wiring and dysfunctional family dynamics. Mental illness runs on both sides of the family, and the households that both of my parents grew up and were poisonous at best. It has always been one of my goals to improve upon the previous model, which is one of the reasons that I’m really glad that I don’t have children right now, even though I would love to be a parent. I really do not want to raise children in a psychological environment that will provide the levels of internal disfigurement that the previous generations have had to contend with. It is something that I am committed to.

    I am looking forward to meeting with this counselor/coach, as I am really starting to feel that it is about time to shit or get off the pot.  Bring in the trained professional! Fortunately for me, I happen to love such things. If I had unlimited funds, I would have done it long ago.