Where tha Float-E-Cast iz at

Goatysaurus rex

Fri, 3 Jul 2009 14:10:30 -0700

See this baby goat? If you think you do, you are wrong! This is not a goat at all! It is actually a Tyrannosaurus rex, craftily disguised as a cute baby goat. It might have fooled you, but it does not fool me for a minute! Tomorrow this vile creature is going off to meet its maker, and I am the one sending it there. I believe that is what George Washington would have wanted -- him and Benjamin Franklin’, and Tom Hanks, and the other flounders of the proud nation of the United Skates of Americramp. If it wasn’t for me, this thing would be stomping around the neighborhood, laying waste to much of downtown Kinshasa. It would be just like that tsunami some years back, only this time, there is somebody watching out for all of the unsuspecting individuals who lie in its wake. Yes -- it is a job that will go largely unrecognized, and for that, I am fully prepared. I am not doing this for fame, or fortune... just doing my part for my fellow human beings. You can thank me later if you want to, but if you don’t, that is okay. The continued survival of my fellow Marsneylanders is thanks enough... plus, we will feast on the flesh of this beast tomorrow, and know deep down in our hearts that the Lucky Lord is looking out for us. Thank you, Lucky Lord! Thank you!

Seriously though—my involvement in dispatching a goat is due to my long-standing belief that if you cannot kill an animal with your own hands, you should not be eating them. If paying someone to do your dirty work (and the denial that it implies) is required for you to dine on the flesh of your fellow animals, I am of the opinion that you have some pretty serious moral considerations to ponder… I am now in a situation that provides me with an opportunity to walk my talk; and I am game.

There is no Internet at home again tonight, so I was forced into having a pleasant conversation with my roommate instead. Oh, the horrors! I do believe that this is one of the trials that the Not-So-Lucky-Lord has rolled out for me. If this keeps up, I might actually have a prolonged, direct connection to “reality”. I knew there was some reason that people stayed away from this heinous country... I have opted to come to my room, and sit here, doing a blog entry while my room cools down with the air conditioner turned on full blast. Once it is properly frigid to the point to where I can turn it off, and record a Float-E-Cast. It is almost to the point now.

Soon it will be the 4th of July, and I will be chomping lizard flesh. I hope you will be as well! Do you want to get the low down dope? Go check out the Float-E-Cast, episode #237, and I will fill your ass in. Don’t be a pervert... you know what I mean... I mean I will have carnal relations with your nethers.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:42:37 -0700

Today is the 49th year of Congolese independence from the European overlords. We celebrated by going to the USAID headquarters, and climbing up to the roof. Off in the distance, we got to see a fireworks show that was going on at the stadium. For anybody who’s seen a fireworks display from far away, you know that it’s not very impressive. It was still very nice to hang out on top of one of the taller buildings in the city, and soak it all in, as much as possible.

I never would’ve thought that I would have been this interested in being in Africa, but I think that in many ways, I am happier to be here than I would be in any other place right now. This is not to say that I would not be interested in being in any other place, just that for what I’m doing right now, and the overall pattern of my life that I have been reading up to this point, this really fits the bill...

I came back to my place tonight, excited to post another Float-E-Cast -- but unfortunately, the Internet is down for some reason. I would go reset the router or something, but we are currently leeching off the neighbors Internet, and unfortunately he/she is either not home, or doesn’t care. I have been taking notes about what has been going on, so I will fill in more of the details in that format. Suffice it to say, that I am less than thrilled with being cut off from my fix.

Kin-shasa-momassa-fee-fie-fo-fassa

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 10:32:55 -0700

It is sad to say that so far, the most significant change that I’ve experienced in my daily routine up to this point, is Internet withdrawal. The connection to the Internet here is sparse at best, and nonexistent much of the time. It’s extremely frustrating, given that I have grown so accustomed to looking things up on the Internet when I need a piece of information, or being able hop over to Facebook, or e-mail, to make connections with the significant people in my life. It seems like I spend a significant chunk of my time here, just trying to see if the Internet connection works. It has varying degrees of not working -- the worst of which, is right now.I have recorded a podcast, am completely unable to upload it. I might have to end up compressing my shows down so that the audio quality sucks, just to get the file size down, so that uploading it can be a reasonable proposition. It’s very frustrating to be sitting on a show, and unable to set it free.

My colleagues that are in the building with me are watching a movie, but I opted to compose a blog entry instead.

My permanent place of residence has yet to be set, which is fine with me -- given the fact that at least for tonight, I get to stay in a palatial house that has a great big pool to float around in late at night, before I go to bed. I spent about 15 or 20 minutes doing just that last night, marveling at the fact that I am on a chunk of land that has connections to humanity much older than any other piece of land that I have stood on (or floated above) before.

My visits to the third world have been few and far between, but I do believe that I would have to say that Kinshasa is my favorite so far. I am glad that I lived in the Mission District in San Francisco for as long as I did, because it helped me to build up more of a callus, which is needed in places where there is a lot of desperation and suffering. Everybody’s got a hustle. Everybody seems to have a hard knock weight around their neck in one form or another. In my old neighborhood in San Francisco, I saw three separate people who were shot (one of them was dead), and one very drunk man, who had a deep gash that was stapled together from one corner of his forehead, down across one eye (which had been obviously lost, due to the injury), ending at the lower corner of his jaw on the opposite side of his face. That was sort of training wheels for Kinshasa. Another similarity, is that in the Mission, there’s always some homeless guy there to “help” you park your car, by waving you into an empty space that you already saw with an empty cup for you to place money and after he’s done waving it around (or at least he hopes so...). That hustle is small beans, compared to the variations here. Not only will you have someone waiting you in, but you’ll also have somebody putting a “parking ticket” on your car after you leave it, and then rushing out to you once you get to your car, claiming that you owe them money. That is only one of about 20 hustles that you will have lobbed in your direction every time you leave the house. There is also no shortage of hungry street kids, who look like they are messed up on some sort of inhalant or another, begging at your car window every time you are stopped for some reason. There are guys by the side of the road, holding out puppies who are undoubtedly too young to be taken away from their mothers, in the hopes that somebody will buy them. V and I watch the show “Animal Cops” pretty routinely, and the way that people in the United States treat their animals can be pretty horrific, and I can only imagine what sort of horrors lie all around me -- both with people, as well as animals. It’s a pretty intense place, to put it mildly

Tonight, I exercised my giant brain towards the execution of a task that I like to call “breaking the giant water filter that everybody in Smallpower relies upon for their clean water”, which I did quite handily. I have to figure out how to fix it before I go back to my place, so that we can have water to drink tomorrow that will not give us dysentery. Can you say “super genius”?

From what I understand, there are generally two tiers of consumer goods here: The first of which, is available to most people, and is generally pretty reasonably priced—and can actually be pretty cheap. A lot of this stuff comes from China. Then, there is everything that you and I generally are accustomed to In our daily existences. If you want a bicycle, you’re going to pay twice what you would pay in the United States (and possibly much more). Same thing goes for power tools, and most electronics, and much, much more. There is so much corruption here that it is hard to get decent consumer goods into the country without paying off a ton of people. Combine that with difficulties in transporting things here, and you have a recipe for very expensive stuff -- especially if you are Caucasian (which automatically jacks the price way up, given that there are not any marked prices on anything in any store).

Well, it’s getting pretty late, and I must be off. Not exactly sure what I’m going to get another blog entry composed, but I will have another podcast finished before too long, I am fairly sure.

Peace the hell out...
grizzly ghostly spec

Yay! / Yikes!

Sat, 16 May 2009 10:45:50 -0700

Okay, so I am less than a week away form heading out. I already went back to Denver, and dropped off Cody, as well as scattered by mom’s ashes. The combination of the two events was both exhausting and very, very sad. As anybody who is in my friends list on Facebook can attest to, I am pretty obnoxious about my teary-eyed feelings about leaving my fuzzy little cute machine. I left him with my sister, which is the best option in very many ways, since they have known each other his whole life, and she has cared for him in the past. This, combined with the fact that he gets to sleep on her bed, and go with her to work -- not to mention living in the same apartment building that my mom lived in, seems to be something that works pretty well. The major drawback, is that she lives clear at the end of the parking lot of the building, which is about a half a block long, and since he’s not technically supposed to be there, she has to carry him in a bag all the way across the parking lot, and across the street to a place where he can pee to the three times a day. I set him up with his own Facebook page, so that I could have routine updates, which have been helping immensely. Think the Lucky Lord for the interweb!

Today, I am setting out to get my car ready to sell. Originally, I was going to give it to a friend, but when I went to get it smogged, the guy there suggested that I could probably get some decent money for it, and since I just bought a new laptop for work, I would like to see what I can get for it. I feel bad, because I told my friend that I would probably be giving it to her, but am now backpedaling.

Today I will be posting a new Float-E-Cast, which will be the first of the shows that I am going to do, based on my coming life change. Unlike most of my previous shows, there will be little in the way of editing for these, since I will have limited time to be able to get them done, and I really want to make sure that I document the process in my typical, sophomoric, scatological way.

Happy Mother’s day

Sun, 10 May 2009 10:53:57 -0700

I miss you, mom.

Computer, or Skinner box?

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 15:57:06 -0700

After my last foray into academia, I find myself tending to view experience in a more mechanistic way than I did before. Nowadays, I tend to see “pleasure” in terms of the brain dosing itself with feel-good chemicals, and the experiences that to give us pleasure as hacking the system to flip those switches. Of course, in reality such a reductive way of seeing things is not the totality of my experiential assessment -- but when it comes to my computer, it sure does translate well. The durned cornpooter is just like a goddamn skinner box—with its little button thing sticking out on a wire that I can wiggle around and poke at until it poops out some bit of information— thus causing feel-good juice ta squirt into my noodlewad. It provokes much in the way of compulsive repetitive behavior that bears little fruit, in terms of an overall value-added perspective. The computer acts a a fine stain on my microscope slide of life. It really helps to make pathology much more noticeable. Thank you cornpooturd!

I was going to go into my experience with the “Masons” that I blabbed about so much in podcasts of yore, but have decided to wait until someone actually shows interest in the topic. If anybody cares to get the inside story on all of that, just leave a comment, and I’ll serve it up! Otherwise -- I’ll just assume that anybody who might be reading this already knows the story, and typety type about other, less meaningful things. Then again— maybe I will yammer on about it soon anyway. WHo knoowzle?

Yesterday I tried recording a podcast with Beefer, and it was lackluster at best. I suppose if I’m going to be putting out anymore shows, I just better try to mash one out on my own. Not to say that working with a partner isn’t something that could be a lot of fun, as well as bring some new energy to the podcasting table. It’s just going to be a challenge to fry the right situation. I think if I’m going to work with someone, you need to have somebody who’s at least is interested in it as I am, rather than having to try to wrangle someone into it.

I put an ad up on Craigsllist yesterday, that is guaranteed to get no responses, since it was clearly written by someone who lacks a certain degree of “balance”. I wonder who that could be?

This is the ad:

Podcasting partner wanted
Reply to: XXXXXXXXXX
Date: 2009-04-16, 3:40PM PDT

I have over 300 solo podcasts under my belt, and have hit a wall. I am looking for a comedic freako to partner up with to do a comedy-ish, absurdist podcast with an intellectual/retardo bent. I'm open to doing sketches (I'm very into improv), or whatever. Are you a retard? Does the word "retard" offend you? Me too. Never use it..

What!?

Anyway: I am looking for people with talent. Like on that one show.

If you are some computer nerd who has always thought it would be fun to record a podcast, but have no experience with performing, then it is likely that you are not the type of person I am looking for—Not that I think you are a bad person or anything...I mean, if this global economic catastrophe continues, I'm sure you'd make fine eatin'. You can send me yer address, and I'll drop by for a 'visit' when I am starting to feel weak from hunger. I'll make it quick and easy-like. Don't worry, li'l monkeyflower...it won't hurt none...I promise! Here: have some Pez. I just mashed it inta my USB headset, so if you hold yer hands under yer speakers, you'll be eatin' some tasty froot flavaz any moment now.

If you think you might be innerested in this huge opportunatitty, and are sportin' double X chromosomes, that would even be higher up on the "faboo" scale! I know what yer thinkin' (on accounta my secret superpowers): "Why would I entrust my double X-encrusted genotype to the likes o' some weirdo on the itarwebz who I ain't done never met??" That is a fine question! I would give you my mom's number so that she could vouch for me, but she passed away a few years ago. I adopted her dog, though—and he is a cute and trustworthy chap! If you pet him on his li'l fuzzy bean pan, you will be able to tell by looking into his eyes what a fine, upstanding, emotive meat robot I am. Aside from me sneakin' up on that aforementioned computer nerd as a last resort, I am completely harmless. I am completely armelss as well. I am typing this with my pancreas.

If you are of the XY persuasion, that is all fine and dandy to as well also. Just thought I'd put a shoutout to my peeps sportin' mad ovareeneez— Ya know?

If you have any material that is out on the werlb-wibe-web, then I'd love to check it out. I have sensory aparatusooses that are capable of taking in all sorts of audio and/or video stimuli.

One last thing: You might be suuuuper talented (which might well be gobs more talented than li’l ol’ me), yet in the last couple of weeks, put on a few hundred pounds. The notion of participating in a podcasting team effort might be tempting to you—but you'll be damned if anything is going to pry you offa that sofa-bed. NO worries! I am very open to the idea of recording using skype, or (if you are a Mac fanboil/giriller like myself) iChat. As a matter of fact: You might not have a creative bone in yer bodice, but you have a friend who is a shut-in in IdahoBag, or Kansas, or Swaziland or something, who is a madcap geniup of freakish wonder, who is looking for some other wayward monstrosity to unleash a torrent of sophomoric scat humor and/or cutesy bed time stories with. Well—pass this along, bub!

See how easy that was? Easy peasy scabakneezy!

Whatcha say, li'l chum? Hrrmmmm?

Clearly wiritng craigslist ads to entertain one’s self needs to be approached as an end unto itself. Anybody who answers that is either going to be the exact perfect person, or someone to avoid at all costs. Luckily, I won’t have to worry about it...

online personaz: more blather about yrz trooly

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 10:21:34 -0700

Yesterday’s post got me thinking about my online persona, in its many variations. A dear friend of mine once commented to me about the striking difference between how I write for my illustrations, versus how I write for my blog. The same could be said for how I present myself on the Float-E-Cast. For example: in the Float-E-Cast, I’m a big fat Homo. In real life, there is a teensy chance that my girlfriend would disagree with that. The reason that my podcast persona is gay is multilayered. One of the biggest reasons, is that I consider myself to be somewhat queer-identified,— in that the term “queer” and “gay” are often considered to be two different things. While the word “gay” is typically used as a synonym for “homosexual”, the word “queer” is often used as an antonym for “heteronormative”. In the retarded spirit of reclaiming, I often refer to myself as a “straight fag”, as the term “fag” was aimed at me at least as much as any actual gay person I’ve ever known while I was growing up. I am totally fine with owning the word “fag”, given my semi-girly nature. Also: just as I don’t overly identify with the term “man”, I don’t overly identify with the term “straight”. It does so happen that I tend to be attracted to women as a general rule, though I am not in theory opposed to the notion of a same-sex pairing—t just ainut done happint.

Challenging heteronormative assumptions is something that I think is a valuable endeavor, given all of the efforts being bandied about to legitimize legal restrictions upon gay relationships, and other gender-restrictive legislation. I think it’s important for people who do not identify with what is considered to be the status quo, in regards to gender constructs, to take a stand for the betterment of humanity at large.

My online persona is such a potential random wrecking ball that my girlfriend has opted to divest herself from it, due to concerns that being associated with it might in itself be a career-limiting move for her. She is a professional, and one day found herself growing concerned that the not-so-subtle, quite possibly offensive content that I put up on my Facebook page was too easily accessible to business associates and clients, which just might in turn, compromise those relationships. Consequently, she and I are not Facebook “friends”. Nary a more prudent decision hath been made...

My next blog entry is likely to be a lengthy one, as it deals with my involvement in the “Masons” that was mentioned in the Float-E-Cast, back in the day...

career-limiting moves

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 11:46:58 -0700

Yesterday, I was listening to a podcast that over the years has made its into my listening routine off and on, and it got me thinking. The show is called “Yeast Radio”, and it is hosted by a guy named Richard Bluestein, who, when podcasting, goes by the alter ego “Madge Weinstein”. When I first started listening to podcasts, Yeast Radio was one of the first that made an impact on me. Largely, this was because the content was so completely tasteless, anti-mainstream, often aimless, and generally the opposite of what one finds on the radio, that it was a breath of fresh air to me. Also -- the fact that the host was a gay man who was masquerading as a lesbian, while at the same time, being as provocative and offensively free-spirited as his warped sensibilities could take him made it very appealing to me.

Unless you are really into podcasting, it is likely that you do not know about the company called Podshow (now called “Mevio”). Without going into too much depth, I’ll just say that Podshow was a company set up by an old MTV VJ, named Adam Curry (who, in my opinion, is very L.A. -- even though he lives in the UK -- in all of the worst of ways). Podshow went around and hired most of the better-known podcasters at the time, which basically diluted a significant amount of my interest in their shows. One of the things I really like about podcasting is the independent spirit of it. Almost without fail, podcasters who have ended up making a living off of their work by being hired by an external entity lose a bit of their edge (or, at least that is my perception). No matter how free their employer says they can be, something changes. In the case of Podshow, it is clear from little bits that I have heard from other podcasters shows who were on the payroll of that company, there was definitely a lot of self-censorship going on. I stopped listening to Yeast Radio for the entire time that it was on the Podshow network. As soon as I found out that Podshow laid off all of their people, I instantly started listening to the show again. So -- the thing that spurred this writing, is that after being laid off, Richard has been looking for work, generally to no avail. He attributes this largely to the fact that potential employers have been having adverse reactions to his show, and are chased away. It got me to thinking about my show, because, as I’ve commented on innumerable times, it could end up as a similar career-limiting move at some point in the future. The way I approached it up to now (and will likely continue to approach it) is that the most important thing to me is being able to create freely. If being a giant inappropriate weirdo in a public forum ends up limiting my potential career outlets, then so be it. In the case of Richard, it’s really unfortunate that he is having difficulty getting creative-oriented work due to his previous creative-oriented output. Admittedly, whether he likes it or not, his show is misogynist and racist, as well as a number of other “-ists”. His take on that, is that his show is merely satire. I think that is a bit of a copout. He has said on numerous occasions, that his show is a form of therapy for him, which I can certainly relate to. He freely admits that he (like so many artists and intellectuals tend to) has wrestled with some pretty intense psychological demons over the span of his life, and for him to just disregard any critical analysis of his content that is unpalatable presupposes that he has the constant presence of mind to be completely aware of what is coming out of his mouth at any given moment. While I am fully accepting of the notion that his intent is that of satire, there is clearly something else that comes out during his performance of Madge. In many ways, I see him in a similar place to Robert Crumb, who just unchained his id and lets it flow forth, all caution be damned. I do a bit of a similar thing in my show. As a matter of fact, Yeast Radio influenced my show in a number of ways. The alter-ego that I put forth in my show—though having the same name as I go by in real life—is a two-dimensional caricature. I unchain my craziest, most manic self and let it loose. It is liberating to do, and once I get fully swept away, it’s kind of like surfing.

This brings me to a topic that I’ve thought a bit about over the years: a number of the podcasts that I listen to are hosted by individuals who in real life seem to clearly be anti-racist, yet who have shows whose tones tend towards a certain degree of racism. Now, bear in mind that I’m not saying that I think their shows should be different. I listen to them because I find them to be of value, and I think that it is the purview of artists to be provocative, and to throw caution to the wind, even though it carries with it an inherent risk. I like risky stuff. I don’t think the world should be safe, and while I do think that there is something to be said for a certain modicum of rational, prudent forethought, I think that unchained, exuberant creativity isn’t important for us to let free upon the world, even though, it carries with it a potential for destruction. I just wish that the podcasters that I listen to, when they get confronted with accusations of racism, misogyny, etc., would just own up to the fact that when one lets one’s creative JuJu free to flap around in the wind, it just might well end up producing something that, even though the intention is satire, might still carry with it some unintended destructive consequences. This means to me, that though the individual might truly be anti-racist (since just about everybody has a certain degree of racism buried within), racism (as well as other ugly, potentially damaging forces) is likely to manifest when one is unchaining the creative impulse. Merely saying that one is engaging in satire is somewhat of a copout, since it is a way of washing one’s hands of responsibility for what one produces. I don’t think that these podcasters should change anything they produce, as much as take ownership and responsibility for what comes out of them. But -- there is always the chance that I am missing something here. Perhaps I am just full of shit. Who knows?

Ultimately, what I’m getting down to, is the issue that so many people are encountering nowadays with the Internet (and that so many people have written so much about already). When you put something online, you are just setting it free out into the world to do what it will. That is what art is all about. Art is not safe, and while everything I do online does not constitute “art”, I do not have a clear separation in my life between what is my art and what is not. Everything feeds into everything else. Also -- I am not under some sort of false impression that anyone is even aware of the stuff that I put online. While I know that there are a handful of people that are, I generally assume that a maximum of 3-5 people are likely at any given time to be aware that I have any sort of web presence at all. If I end up manifesting the type of career that I hope to, that is likely to change, and then I suppose at that point I will get to see what sort of fallout, if any, comes from putting so much out into the ether... If it has negative consequences, at least that will be more fodder for the production of new material.

Help: enlisted

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 10:24:46 -0700

Just so you know: I just took a swig of coffee that tasted like wet dog. Yum!

Yesterday, I had my first session with my new coach/counselor/therapist (let’s call him “Bob”), and I really dug it. That is not surprising, as I love such things. One thing that I’ve learned over the years, is that the standard 50 minute session does not work for me. I was end up feeling like I’m racing the clock, since I have such a tendency to expound upon things. I think that this gentleman might well be precisely what I need at this point my life. For years now, I have really felt that seeking the aid of a skilled professional is exactly what I need -- but financial constraints of always kept me out of it. The thing that propelled my ass to get going on it was that V became concerned about my emotional state, given that we spend an hour or two every night hanging out and talking in the hot tub, and the vast majority of stuff that has been coming out of my mouth recently has been such a horror show. As luck would have it, she recently had neck surgery (which was surprisingly minimally invasive, and went off without a hitch), and was taking time off from work, so one morning she woke up and did some research for me to find someone who might be able to effectively bring some mad noodle skillz to my aid. In addition to these new services that I am enlisting, I do believe that I also will be looking into meditation, as quieting my crazybox would be useful.

Bob is the first therapist that I’ve worked with who is male. Out of all the therapists that I have known a personal level, as well as a professional level, he is only the second person sporting the XY chromosomez. I like him a lot, and am hoping that together we can hack and slash our way through me tangled beanwad in order to bring about a semblance of order, and forward momentum. It is about time to get unstuck. Time’s a-wastin’

All of the pictures that I am posting in my blog these days, come from sketches I’ve done for brainstorming sessions for work. Speaking of work: I have recently found out that my departure date has been pushed back a month or more. Now it looks like I will not be leaving until sometime in June. That makes my trip to Colorado (in order to spread my mom’s ashes) a little more tricky, since I need to make sure that it is during the summer. Perhaps I’ll end up shipping out of Africa shortly after that trip...

I am really happy with iWeb, and though I’m sure it produces the most unsightly code, it certainly makes getting websites up and running super easy. I’m sure from a designer’s point of view, it is somewhat bland, or unsightly, or some other negative-type of thing -- but for somebody like myself, who just wants to get content up, it is a godsend. Candycartoon is now back up and running, though unfortunately, the ability to add comments is done with. Such is life... Besides— Candycartoon is more of a static archive nowadays anyway, since I consider it to be a stand-alone body of work, that is finished. I am looking forward to producing new content For a new body of work, as well as resuming the Float-E-Cast. Right now, all of my art time is being taken up with producing stuff for work. I think that probably the only Float-E-Casts that I will post while I am still in California will be ones that I produce with a guest cohost. First on the list is me frind, Beefer. Unfortunately, nailing her down for a specific time to do a show has proven to be immensely difficult. I guess I will have to set a deadline for myself, and if I don’t manage to get hold of her, maybe I will force one out by myself.

As you can see, I still have yet to get comments up and running on this here blog. It is one of the limitations of iWeb. There is a workaround, but I have yet to implement it.

Okay: off to work!

The trap of self-obsession

Wed, 8 Apr 2009 09:27:56 -0700

This morning I received an e-mail from my bossfriend informing me that the work that I recently submitted has been well received. This proved to be quite a relief, given that the way my mind has been dealing with unknowns recently has not been unlike the way a dandelion deals with being on the receiving end of a plane crash.

It’s really difficult for me to try to distill something coherent into a blog entry. My mind’s kind of all over the place—not that that is unusual or anything... luckily, I get to use my dictation software to do blog entries these days. That makes a big difference, as when I am left to type entries, my slowpoke and mad, mistake-prone skills slow me down so much that there is almost no point in trying, as my mind races around so much that there is little chance of capturing a thought. Though I enjoy writing, it is (like most everything I produce) very slow going.

Anyway --

Suffice it to say, I have been on the crazy choo-choo for a while now. There are three main elements to this: the first being the incredible amount of uncertainty in regards to my future. There are so many what-ifs right now:
• When might I be leaving for Africa?
• How will my relationship fare with all of my impending absences?
• How will my li’l cute pooch deal with my impending absences, and who will his foster parents be?
• How will my crazy-ass brain deal with the shift in circumstances? (A.k.a. Will I be able to keep my shit together?)
• Will I be able to rise to the occasion and produce the quality of work that I know I’m capable of?
• This job is requiring me to produce material that in the past I have hit seemingly immovable psychological blocks with. Will I be able to power through them?
• How will I adapt to a new culture and language?

This is just a tiny bit of the crazy race track that I have recently (as in the last three months) been incessantly racing around on—though it doesn’t really do it justice, because portraying it like this is something like a trickle, rather than the firehose of insanity that it can be. Plus—it doesn’t even begin to address the torrent of self-critical/destructive thought and imagery that has been recently unleashed. I have been trying to identify what the origin of a lot of that is, and while on the surface it is tied to the level of uncertainty, there is clearly a lot of stuff underneath that has been following me around for my entire life—the product of generational echoes of bad wiring and dysfunctional family dynamics. Mental illness runs on both sides of the family, and the households that both of my parents grew up and were poisonous at best. It has always been one of my goals to improve upon the previous model, which is one of the reasons that I’m really glad that I don’t have children right now, even though I would love to be a parent. I really do not want to raise children in a psychological environment that will provide the levels of internal disfigurement that the previous generations have had to contend with. It is something that I am committed to.

I am looking forward to meeting with this counselor/coach, as I am really starting to feel that it is about time to shit or get off the pot. Bring in the trained professional! Fortunately for me, I happen to love such things. If I had unlimited funds, I would have done it long ago.